6 Steps to Landing a Man: A Crazy Cat Lady Love Story

1. Fall in love. With a cat.

Find a soft, gray kitten with a twitchy nose who dribbles on your tank top as you hug him to your chest. Take him home with you, and take one of his brothers, too — the tabby with the expressive face. Back at home, marvel at how small they are as they crawl over your ankles, or look up at you from the palm of your hand. Take too many pictures of them hiding amongst the stuffed animals on your bed, or sitting sedately inside paper shopping bags. Smile when they sleep on the pillow next to your head.

2. Spoil the cats rotten.

Come home with toys they will ignore in favor of wrapping paper. Come home with bouncy balls, catnip spray, and catnip-flavored bubbles. Watch as your home becomes cluttered with litter dust and scattered bits of cat chow. Fail to care. Set a picture of your cats as your desktop background.

3. Fall in love. With a boy.

Date many men, but never love any of them as much as you love your cats. Then, one day, meet someone with promise. Someone who also loves cats (though perhaps not quite as fervently as you). Despite all the positive signs, assure him that if you ever had to choose, the cats would (of course) come first.

4. Introduce him to your cats.

Bring him over to your house for the first time. Laugh with horror / hysteria / revulsion as the tabby sprays his leg in an odd bit of territorialism. Love this boy a little bit more as he laughs it off and borrows a pair of your brother’s jeans. Grow closer to him. Get the warm fuzzies when he calls you “honey.” Meet his friends. Meet his family. Meet his cats.

5. Succumb to your fear of commitment.

Ask yourself: Can I really love him as unconditionally as I love my cats? Because, while the relationship between a cat and an owner can be blissfully uncomplicated, the relationship between a man and a woman is anything but. Ask to see other people. Eventually separate. Still… miss his daily calls. Notice the way your heart hurts when he sends you a dorky card. Wonder if he was the one.

Bonus tip: Live happily ever after.

Suck it up and get back together with him. Assume he’s kidding when he finally proposes, but then say yes. Because, while a life lived with two cats can be fantastic, a life lived with two cats and a wonderful man? Bliss. Move in together, litter boxes between your desks, a water dish always underfoot in your eat-in kitchen. Argue over the cats’ persistent spraying problem. Put your foot down when he suggests you get rid of them all. Endure. Love him for changing their litter. Love him for giving them their anti-anxiety medication, pills the vet insists will help manage the spraying.

One year into your marriage, watch him fall in love with a pastel calico at PETCO. Take her home, despite your worry that she may not get along with your two boys. Endure, because she is the first cat to belong to the both of you (though, honestly, she’s Daddy’s little girl).

Things aren’t perfect — the boys still spray…the girl likes to throw her weight around, but you’re a family now. Marriage is a compromise. Cat ownership is a compromise. But it’s all worth it.